Non-violent Communication

In 1943, as a Jew who came to Chicago, Marshall Rosenburg witnessed the ugly racial riots that killed scores of people. He saw people enjoying hurting others. He was puzzled.

He wanted to understand why they reacted in a different way compared to others who made love and service the purpose of their lives. He saw that there was a different language and quite a different consciousness on the part of people between those who behaved in the violent way as opposed to the compassionate ones. Based on what he learned, Marshall devised non-violent communication, NVC or otherwise called Compassionate Communication.

Let us look at what is NVC, its principles and 4 components

What is NVC?

NVC is a language of Consideration rather than domination. At the heart of NVC is the ability to connect to our own humanness and to the humanness of others. When we can express what we want to, in a non-blaming way we have a much greater chance of empathic connection with others. After all, we share the same qualities - the need for trust, safety, appreciation, caring, freedom, etc.

NVC is based on the two principles:

1. Our true nature is one of desire to make life more wonderful for others and us.

2. It is not that something or someone makes you feel anything, but rather your needs are being met or not

Components of NVC

How do we implement NVC in our conversations? There are four components of NVC. Let us look at it with an example: A mother walks into the hall and sees video games, magazines, socks, and food lying on the floor. Now how does the mother apply NVC components in this case?

1. The first component is the observation of whatever triggered the speaker's current state of mind. The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation-to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don't like.

2. The second is the speaker's feelings in response to what is observed. We do our best to identify an emotion, sensation or state of mind that is free of thoughts: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.?

3. The third is the unfulfilled need that is generating the feelings mentioned. We try to identify as closely as possible a universal need or value, or at least a desire stated in positive terms.

4. The fourth piece is a request that provides the listener with an opportunity to exercise their power to respond to the speaker's need with something immediate, concrete, and do-able.

The mother would be saying: "When I see video games, magazines, socks, and food on the floor, I feel exhausted and agitated, because I am needing more order and beauty in my home. Would you be willing to put away the things on the floor that belong to you?"

Here the mother is not being judgmental and evaluating. This would bring a better response from her son than blaming him.

Conclusion

In summary, NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. It guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing and what we are requesting to enrich our lives.

Some people use NVC to respond compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their personal relationships, and still others to build effective relationships at work or in the political arena. Worldwide, NVC is used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels. It has also been accepted as part of curriculum in Israel.

For more information on NVC, go to cnvc.org.