One Father to Another

I looked at my watch. It was 10 O’clock. My wife and daughter were fast asleep, so were the couple who took the upper berths. The other couple with their 1 year old son on the side berths were just completing their dinner. The only loner in that coupe was deeply immersed in a Rajesh Kumar thriller.  So I waited for some more time, until he closed the book, and asked, “Shall I pull up the middle berth? Only then did he realize that I was waiting for him - I then understood the power of Rajesh Kumar thrillers. He apologized and helped me set up the berth.

Dear Toastmasters and Guests,

Sleeping at 10 pm is a luxury that never happens at home. So I tried to make up the best of the opportunities I get while travelling in trains. So that day, I set up the bed and slid under the sheets, waiting for the sweet lullaby of the train to pull me into deep sleep.

Yes, I did hear the lullaby, not the sweet lullaby of the train, but a mash up of whistles and clucks. I turned around and saw that the couple with the kid have set up a nice cradle with a long sari tied up to the bars on the upper berth. Excellent idea! A nice cloth cradle right inside the train! The father was rocking the cradle and that hideous lullaby came from him.

Good father. Especially in India it is rare to see such scenes of fathers rocking the cradle and singing or rather attempting lullabies... I then saw the reason. The mother was fast asleep. Her leg was under a heavy bandage. She may have had some painkillers and hence asleep. I realized that I was seeing the exertions of a father forced to take over from his wife, with no prior experience or KT whatsoever!

His inexperience and ineptitude literally showed through! He was literally rocking the cradle – it was swinging wildly, and I cringed whenever the head of the boy appeared to almost hit the window! I would not trade my place with that sweet little boy for even a million bucks! The father was exhorting the boy to go to sleep, as if pleading with the boy would do the trick! The kid was fully awake and laughing with joy at the thrill ride and the pleadings of his father!

I decided to intervene. I asked the father to stop rocking. I jumped down from the berth and showed him how to rock the cradle in a slower, but rhythmic manner.  I also asked him to stop whistling and start humming some tune. 

He learned quickly and started rocking as I instructed him to. I climbed back on the berth and took a deep breath of satisfaction for a job well done and slid myself back into the sheet. Soon I heard him humming the tune of “Why this Kolaveri di?” Not sure if he was looking at his wife when he did that.

Not even Dhanush’s melody could make that kid sleep. Halfway through the song, the boy started crying. My sleep said good night to me and disappeared! I looked out of the sheets. The kid was sitting upright on the cradle, crying as well as shaking his head to the tune! The poor father looked at me with dismay. I played with the thought of teaching that poor soul some nice lullabies, but decided against it in the interest of time.

I decided to take out my next trick. I decided to become the villain. I looked at the boy as villainously as possible, and put my finger to my lips showing the universal sign of silence. The kid lied down and stared at my eyes as if to scare me. I did not give up. As the father switched off the lights, I kept my eyes trained on the kid and my finger on my lips. He too did not take his eyes off me. But soon they started withering, as the father started rocking the cradle gently.  Yes, in a couple of minutes, I succeeded in making the boy sleep!! The father thanked profusely and climbed on his berth to sleep.

Free from TV

This month we are celebrating 1 year without TV!
It started last year, in an unplanned manner, with the problems in Sun Cable. But then, we realized that we were spending more time with our daughter. Thus came the decision to banish TV!
Today the TV is still there, but it is just a showpiece.
And I feel we made the right decision.


Couple of days back (Oct 19, 2010), NYT published a news item on Doctors' advice to avoid TV for kids up to 2 years. Mine is now 3, but better late than never.

Bilingual kids

I recently came across this UofW video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fcb8nT0QC6o

It tells of how children get attuned to different sounds from different languages early in the development stage, and how people never manage to close that gap as they grow up. The idea is to expose kids to different languages as early as possible, so that they get accustomed to the different sounds. It explains why my wife who learned only Tamil, cannot get herself to say "zha" as in "mazha" or "pazham" and why I should start exposing my daughter to these sounds now itself, or risk losing it. The one good thing that learning Malayalam has done is that it has made it easy for us to get used to almost any sound. I plan to teach my daughter Malayalam, even if she studies in Chennai (she is only 2 now).

Sometime back, I also came across an article on a study that said that people who learned more than one language did better in Maths and Science.

Chayakkada conversations - Talk Deeply, Be Happy

The Well Column in NY Times carried an article on "Talk Deeply, Be Happy". I am providing the excerpts below to give an idea of what it conveys:

Would you be happier if you spent more time discussing the state of the world and the meaning of life — and less time talking about the weather?

It may sound counterintuitive, but people who spend more of their day having deep discussions and less time engaging in small talk seem to be happier, said Matthias Mehl, a psychologist at the University of Arizona who published a study on the subject.

“We found this so interesting, because it could have gone the other way — it could have been, ‘Don’t worry, be happy’ — as long as you surf on the shallow level of life you’re happy, and if you go into the existential depths you’ll be unhappy,” Dr. Mehl said.

But, he proposed, substantive conversation seemed to hold the key to happiness for two main reasons: both because human beings are driven to find and create meaning in their lives, and because we are social animals who want and need to connect with other people.

“By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world,” Dr. Mehl said. “And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness.”

Dr. Mehl’s study was small and doesn’t prove a cause-and-effect relationship between the kind of conversations one has and one’s happiness. But that’s the planned next step, when he will ask people to increase the number of substantive conversations they have each day and cut back on small talk, and vice versa.

I am nostalgically reminded of the tea shops in Kerala - the chaya kada get-togethers in the mornings. Seems like that was a perfectly good way to start the day - discussing the good and bad in the World today, especially the rivetting stories from Kerala Politics. Sometimes my father used to stand outside the home, and slowly other neighbours would come out of their homes, and there would be a lengthy discussion of Politics and World Affairs right at my home - with tea and snacks arranged by Mom. I used to listen the animated discussions - which used to reveal which side each were on. But rest assured, there would be no fights. Everyone used to retire happily back to their homes, and probably had a good sleep, after having got a chance to have such deep talks.

Today, in this plugged-in World, I find it difficult to engage in a conversation in public. The youngsters are happy buried in the Harry Potters or their ipods, and even more recently, laptops during travels. Earlier train journeys used to end in a new friendship being made, or an extended relationship (father's distant uncle's grandfather's grand-son in law...) being identified. But now, unless you yourself have an ipod or laptop, it is better just to close eyes and meditate, as no one would want to have any talks with you.

In my last three years, I had a couple of exceptions to this rule. One was an animated fellow traveller from Tamil Nadu who was with me in the flight from Seattle to Mumbai. We met at a stop over in Amsterdam, and she started talking to me like a long known friend. I liked the frankness, and was surprised that there are still such people. I got introduced to her friends that she made during the journey from Seattle to Amsterdam, which seemed to include almost all the IT guys and gals from the flight! Wow! we had a big group of about 10 of us, all new friends, formed into this group by this girl. That was the best stop-over and journey for me. We discussed everything under the sun, in those 2-3 hours in the airport, and later at Mumbai, where a chunk of them were also catching the same Chennai flight with me. Of course, I could not catch a wink, but there was no tiredness.

Rarely, if ever, I find a travel fellow to chat with, it would be a middle-aged or older person, who would be looking for someone to patiently listen to their stories. Once I met an old jewellery merchant who happened to know my family history. A lot of my relatives are goldsmiths, and when heard a couple of names, he started telling me my family's history, from the days my ancestors came from Tamil Nadu! Of course, we were chatting all the way from Trivandrum to Tirunelveli.

On another occasion, my wife and I were troubled by a decision that we had to take. My family wanted her to stay back at my home for the festival, but my wife preferred otherwise. We were on our way to her family place in Tirunelveli. In the train, we met an brahmin aunt, who befriended us, and started talking about her family and stories about her children and in-laws. She also served us a history of how brahmin families were being made to suffer in many parts of Tamil Nadu. When she started talking about relationships, my wife asked her questions about the quandary that we were in, with the differences in opinion between herself and my family. The lady patiently listened to her, and gave her advice. She asked my wife to consider my parents as her parents. No amount of any sagely advice from me :) could have done this miracle - my wife returned after a week, and she started calling my parents as Amma and Appa! That entirely transformed my home. I have the number of that auntie, and will surely contact her one day to say how much I owe to her.

We should probably create a new device or program which will let people in the vicinity know that you are available for a conversation. While in the train, one could see who are all available and link up with them, rather than spending the whole day depressingly looking at what the world has come to be, by looking at the plugged-in fellow travellers.

Non-violent Communication

In 1943, as a Jew who came to Chicago, Marshall Rosenburg witnessed the ugly racial riots that killed scores of people. He saw people enjoying hurting others. He was puzzled.

He wanted to understand why they reacted in a different way compared to others who made love and service the purpose of their lives. He saw that there was a different language and quite a different consciousness on the part of people between those who behaved in the violent way as opposed to the compassionate ones. Based on what he learned, Marshall devised non-violent communication, NVC or otherwise called Compassionate Communication.

Let us look at what is NVC, its principles and 4 components

What is NVC?

NVC is a language of Consideration rather than domination. At the heart of NVC is the ability to connect to our own humanness and to the humanness of others. When we can express what we want to, in a non-blaming way we have a much greater chance of empathic connection with others. After all, we share the same qualities - the need for trust, safety, appreciation, caring, freedom, etc.

NVC is based on the two principles:

1. Our true nature is one of desire to make life more wonderful for others and us.

2. It is not that something or someone makes you feel anything, but rather your needs are being met or not

Components of NVC

How do we implement NVC in our conversations? There are four components of NVC. Let us look at it with an example: A mother walks into the hall and sees video games, magazines, socks, and food lying on the floor. Now how does the mother apply NVC components in this case?

1. The first component is the observation of whatever triggered the speaker's current state of mind. The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation-to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don't like.

2. The second is the speaker's feelings in response to what is observed. We do our best to identify an emotion, sensation or state of mind that is free of thoughts: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc.?

3. The third is the unfulfilled need that is generating the feelings mentioned. We try to identify as closely as possible a universal need or value, or at least a desire stated in positive terms.

4. The fourth piece is a request that provides the listener with an opportunity to exercise their power to respond to the speaker's need with something immediate, concrete, and do-able.

The mother would be saying: "When I see video games, magazines, socks, and food on the floor, I feel exhausted and agitated, because I am needing more order and beauty in my home. Would you be willing to put away the things on the floor that belong to you?"

Here the mother is not being judgmental and evaluating. This would bring a better response from her son than blaming him.

Conclusion

In summary, NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. It guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing and what we are requesting to enrich our lives.

Some people use NVC to respond compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their personal relationships, and still others to build effective relationships at work or in the political arena. Worldwide, NVC is used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels. It has also been accepted as part of curriculum in Israel.

For more information on NVC, go to cnvc.org.

The Re-awakening

The topper of one of the most competitive examinations in India said that the knowledge of “Vedic Mathematics” helped him to ace the test. Vedic? Vedic period was around 3000-4000 BC in India. It seemed unbelievable that such an ancient system would help someone in a modern competitive test. But it is true. Vedic Mathematics is becoming more and more popular in India and is being considered as very advanced.

For me it symbolizes one of the many ways in which our ancient systems and spirituality are reawakening in this modern World. I see that more and more people are looking into the past for answers. And what they find there is amazingly closer to the truth than we are. This seems to be causing this reawakening.

We thought that we could explain the world with some equations, and disregarded the ancient knowledge. But now, we are finding ourselves against the wall in our quest and so we are starting to look more into the past. We seem to living in a world where the modern scientists are shaking hands with the mystics to find answers.

Our understanding of the Universe is a very good example of the wall that scientists are trying to scale today. According to latest String Theory, we are not living in a world of 3 or 4 dimensions, but in a hyperspace having whopping 26 dimensions! What does that mean? Let me give an example from a book by Michio Kaku on hyperspace.

Consider a two dimensional world. Where there is only length and breadth. No height. The world would be as plain as this sheet of paper. Imagine me entering this world. For persons in this flat world, the only perceptible part of me would be the section of my body intersecting the plane of their world. If my neck intersects the plane, they would think that I am a small person, almost circular. But if I intersect here, they see a bigger person.

What would they think of me? Maybe they would consider me as a being that can grow and shrink and change shape? They would not be able to understand the whole me! Similarly what we are seeing around us may be only 3 dimensional images of 26 dimensional things? There may be other universes around that that we do not know of. Wow, that is scary and at the same time humbling!

We are finding ourselves facing similar walls in other fields of knowledge – like medicine, psychology, and even Management. When we look back we see that probably many answers could be lying hidden in the ancient pages of wisdom. Let us look at some examples of ancient wisdom that were closer to the truth.

Modern cosmology calculates the age of Universe as anywhere from 10 to 20 billion years. Rig Veda, one of the four main ancient scriptures of India said 4000 years ago that the age of universe is 8.6 billion years, which is close to the modern finding in astronomical sense. It also said that the Universe would grow and then shrink infinite cycle. Seems like someone figured out the Big Bang Theory thousands of years earlier than we did!

Nature always fascinates us with her mysteries. The mother turtle lays eggs inland and when the hatchlings come out of the eggs, they know precisely which way they should move to reach the sea! Who or what is guiding them? Who shows the Salmons their way back to their birthplace? How do dogs find their way back home even if they are lost miles away?

Ancient scriptures talk of a collective conscience. Is there really a Collective conscience that is guiding these animals? Maybe the ancient sages were able to tap into this collective wisdom for their knowledge.

Studies of the brains of meditating Tibetan monks show that they have figured out the path to happiness. They have been found to be the Happiest people as validated by the study of their brain activity.

Researchers in modern medicine, nutrition and psychology are looking into the past for answers. Yoga, Tai Chi, holistic medicine and so on are regaining their lost importance.

So far we only had to grapple with IQ and recently with EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient). Now we have a new entry: SQ or Spiritual Intelligence Quotient! Research is underway to come up with a quantification method for SQ. Be prepared to face an SQ test in the future! Stephen Covey has stressed the importance of Spiritual Intelligence in his work – The 8^th Habit. Spirituality seems to be invading the boardrooms too.

All these seem to be telling me that we are embracing the past in search of answers. More and more research is validating the knowledge of the past. I think that when we know more, farther we realize we are from the truth. Farther from the truth we are, greater our humility and respect for the unknown. That could be causing this reawakening.

Or maybe we are sickened by our over indulgence in the material world. Or maybe it is just one of those cyclical phenomena. Anyway I feel that the Spiritual World is reawakening. Maybe it is only my feeling. But I like to think that Buddha is looking down at this world and smiling.

The Happy Face Advantage

It is an inexpensive way to change your looks. It is a curve that sets everything right. The world always looks better from behind it. And when you give one away, you get one back to keep.

Yes! I am referring to those curves on your faces – smiles that give you a happy face.

Smiles have an edge over all other emotional expressions. The human brain prefers happy faces, recognizing them more readily and quickly than those with negative expressions. This is known as the Happy Face Advantage.

Smile is a universal language. Even a baby would return your smile.

Smiling may be the shortest distance between two brains. Even strangers smile back. It breaks the barriers to communication.

Keeping a Happy Face by smiling and laughing has many benefits. Let us look at three here.

First, it reduces your make-up costs… I mean…It makes you look better.

People who smile attract others like the lamp attracting the bees. We want to know a smiling person and are curious to figure out what is so good.

The muscles we use to smile lift the face, making a person appear younger. Don't go for a face lift, just keep a happy face -- you'll look younger and feel better – saves some makeup costs J

A happy face also makes you appear and feel more confident and less nervous.

Second, a happy face improves your mood and reduces stress.

Hey is it not the other way? Your mood decides your face, right? No… try this:

Next time you are feeling down, open a smile. Smiling can trick the body into changing your mood. Your mood will change for the better.

Studies have shown that smiling releases endorphins, natural painkillers, and serotonin. Together these three make us feel good. So there is no need for anti-depressants and other drugs. A Happy face keeps the drugs away.

Stress can really show up in our faces. Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, and overwhelmed. When you are stressed, take time to put on a smile. A happy face brings down the stress hormones and relaxes you.

Third and probably the most important benefit: Keeping a happy face reduces medical bills.

Endorphins are released when you laugh and smile. These endorphins help the immune system. Also it makes you relaxed.

Your blood pressure is reduced. And you feel more energized.

In a Hindi movie, I saw scores of people gather in a circle and acting very funny… with drinking actions like ho ho hahaha. This they repeated till everyone started laughing for real! I thought that this was something made up in the movie for humor. While googling for this speech I figured out that it was a laughter club gathering.

Dr. Madan Kataria of Mumbai, started the concept of laughter club based on his research on the therapeutic nature of laughter and Yoga.

In these clubs, people first fake and then make laughter. Many businesses have laughter clubs and they start the day with laughter meetingsJ; seems like an idea we can try for our exercise and inspiration.

To have some good laugh time, you can watch the google videos on laughter clubs. It will also make you healthier.

“World Laughter Day” is being observed to spread the joy and health benefits of laughter.

From the benefits discussed here you can see that Nature has given us something readily available and reliable to make us look and feel better.

So keep smiling and always grab the chance to laugh. Keep a Happy Face!

Fables - They are not for Kids

Who likes stories? Yes, all of us love a good story. We grew up hearing stories. We needed bedtime stories to sleep. We lived in the land of stories. We even made up many stories… to impress someone or to escape from a good spanking.

After a stage we think that we have outgrown those stories. After all they are made up of unreal talking animals for kids. But I now believe that we are always young for these stories, especially the fables.

Some fables have got a permanent place in our minds. Who can forget the goose that laid golden eggs, the shepherd who cried wolf, the race between the tortoise and the hare?

Fables are short tales that teach a moral lesson. Aesop’s fables are the most famous ones here in the west. They are not just stories. They have real life lessons for everyone. They have universal messages and are as relevant today as they were thousands of years ago.

I would like to share my experience with a well-known fable to illustrate that these fables are not for children alone. The fable goes like this…

A Man and his son were walking with their Donkey to market. A man passed them and said: "You fools, why are you walking? What is a Donkey for?"

So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they continued. They passed a group of men. One of them said: "See that shameless youngster; he lets his father walk while he rides."

So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn't gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: "Shame on that lazy man to let his poor little son trudge along."

Well, the Man didn't know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: "Aren't you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey?"

The man and the boy then got a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and carried the donkey. Everyone looked at them and started laughing. The donkey was obviously shaken up by this unexpected luxury, and started kicking in panic. When they were over a bridge the donkey got loose and fell into the river.

The moral: "Please all, and you will please none."

I remember hearing this fable from my primary school teacher. At that time the story seemed only funny. It was fun visualizing two people carrying a donkey. I did not really understand the moral, and did not care. It did not make sense for a kid.

Later when I had to make choices, it started making perfect sense. I learned that if I try to please everyone, I would have to end up with a bad choice. It is like tearing a comic book into two to satisfy two kids fighting over it. No one is fully happy.

I have to follow this moral every day while dealing with my relations and at work.

This simple fable has expressed this very useful lesson so vividly that it would stay in our minds forever.

A peek into any management book will show references to the old fables and folklores. Many of them come up with their own fables of mice running in a maze for cheese, pigs running animal farms and so on. What better way to teach the lessons of life than fables, whether it be for kids or for grown ups?

In India, we have the panchatantra and jataka tales. Panchatantra fables are like Aesop’s fables. Jataka tales are stories related to Buddha. They are packed with wisdom.

As a kid I loved reading comics and books that often carried these fables. My contemporaries from India would remember Amar Chitra Katha.

Few days back I saw these comics being sold in an India grocery store here. I felt nostalgic and could not resist buying a few of them myself. I had to tell my friend that they were gifts for a friend’s son. But it was my wife and I who read them J

These fables are pills of wisdom made for easy consumption. They have no prescribed dosage and come in different colors and flavors. They can be had at any age and at any time. Sharing it with someone, especially your children will double their effect. So have them and above all, share them. And don’t ever think that you can outgrow them.

Spiritual Quotient

When we talk of intelligence, we usually think in terms of Mental Intelligence (IQ). But this is a narrow interpretation of intelligence.

The four magnificent parts of our nature consist of body, mind, heart and spirit. Corresponding to these four parts are four capacities, or intelligences, that all of us possess: our physical intelligence (PQ), mental intelligence (IQ), our emotional intelligence (EQ) and our spiritual intelligence (SQ).

Computers have IQ. Higher mammals have EQ. But SQ is uniquely human and most fundamental of the three.

Spiritual Intelligence is becoming more mainstream in scientific inquiry and philosophical/psychological discussion. It is the central and most fundamental of all the intelligences because it becomes the source of guidance of the other three. Spiritual intelligence represents our drive for meaning and connection with the infinite.

Spiritual intelligence also helps us discern true principles that are part of our conscience. It can be symbolized by the compass that always points to the north. The key to maintaining high moral authority is to continually follow “true north” principles.

We use SQ to develop our longing and capacity for meaning, vision and value. It allows us to dream and to strive. It underlies the things that we believe in and the role our beliefs and values play in the actions we take. It is in essence what makes us human.

Let us look at three ways in which SQ can be developed.

First, Integrity – being true to one’s highest values, convictions and conscience, and having a connection with the Infinite. The Best way to develop integrity is to start small, and to make and keep promises. Make a promise that may seem so small and insignificant to others, but to you represents a sincere effort – exercising for 10 minutes, reading one chapter of a book a day, praying daily etc.

The point is that when you make a promise and keep it, your capacity to make and keep a larger promise increases. Continue to do this, and your sense of honor will become stronger than your moods. You will develop personal integrity.

Second, a compelling way to develop spiritual intelligence is to educate and obey your conscience. Study the wisdom literature of your own tradition, and study the lives of people who have inspired you. Slowly you will sense the conscience guiding and directing you. The more you obey your conscience, the more your conscience demands of you.

Third, Finding the meaning and your voice. Have a sense of contribution to people and to causes. Simply ask the questions – what does my life situation ask of me now; what should I do in my present responsibilities and duties; what would be the wise action to take? When we live true to the answers our conscience gives, the conscience becomes louder.

Finding your voice is to align work with your unique calling and gifts. You should find out your true nature and gifts. This can be used to develop a vision of great things you want to accomplish. When you are selecting a career, or a cause to give yourself into, ask the questions, which represent your four intelligences. What do I really like doing? Should I do it? What can I be the best at doing?

We have seen three ways in which we can develop our SQ. In a different way – assume that you have a one-on-one visit with your Creator every quarter; now live accordingly.

It is heartening to see that the corporate world is also embracing the concepts of moral and spiritual dimensions that were once forgotten. Spiritual intelligence helps us understand ourselves and the world around; understand the interdependence of nature, and overcome ego with conscience.

This pathway to moral authority, personal fulfillment, and influence for good is not the realm of great world leaders alone. The potential for simple, great, quiet moral authority lies within each one of us.

Getting to Yes

Like it or not, you are a negotiator. Negotiation is a fact of life. You negotiate with your boss during your performance appraisal. You negotiate with your spouse where to go for dinner. You even have to negotiate with your children!

Negotiation is a basic means of getting what you want from others. It is a back and forth communication designed to reach an agreement when you and the other side have some interests that are shared and others that are opposed.

There are two standard strategies to negotiate: soft and hard.

When you are a soft negotiator, you see the participants as friends and you want an agreement. You make concessions readily in order to reach an agreement. You want an amicable solution as you care for the relationship, yet you may end up feeling exploited and bitter.

On the other hand when you are a hard negotiator, you consider the participants as enemies and your goal is victory. You dig in to your position and try to win a contest of will. In this case even if you win, you are exhausted and your relationship with the other side is harmed.

So is there a third alternative? Harvard Negotiation Project came up with the method of “principled negotiation”. It aims at deciding issues on the merits rather than positions. It suggests that you look for mutual gains wherever possible.

Wherever your interests conflict, you should insist that the result be based on a some fair standards independent of the will of either side.

This method is hard on the merits, and soft on the people. It shows you how to obtain what you want and still be decent. It enables you to be fair while protecting you against those who would take advantage of your fairness.

There are four basic elements of negotiation: people, interests, options and criteria. Principled negotiation proposes four methods to deal with these elements.

First proposition: Separate the people from the problem.

This responds to the fact that we are creatures of strong emotions and not computers. Our emotions typically become entangled with the objective merits of the problem. People’s egos become identified with their positions. So before working on the problem, the “people problem” should be disentangled.

The participants should come to see themselves as working side by side, attacking the problem, not each other.

Second, Focus on the interests, not positions.

Do not focus on people’s stated positions. The objective of a negotiation is to satisfy the underlying interests. A negotiating position often obscures what you really want. Compromising between positions also would not effectively take care of the human needs that led people to adopt those positions.

Consider two men quarreling in a library. One wants the window open and the other wants it closed. They bicker back and forth on how much to leave it open. No solution leaves them satisfied.

The librarian comes in and asks them what they need: One says I want fresh air. The other says I want to avoid draft. The librarian goes to the next room and opens the window, bringing in fresh air without a draft.

Focusing on their positions and not their interests made the men blind to the options.

That brings us to the third point: Invent options for mutual gain.

Consider two children who want an orange. One wants the peel for baking and the other wants to eat the orange. Finally they split the orange and take each half. One eats half orange and throws away the peel. The other bakes with half the peel and throws away the orange. Normal negotiations are like this. Instead of eating the whole orange and using the whole peel for baking, the participants end up having only the halves. They did not invent options for mutual gain before reaching the agreement.

Set aside a designated time within which to think up a wide range of possible solutions that advance the shared interests and creatively reconcile differing interests.

Fourth proposition is to Insist on using objective criteria.

Try, as you may, there would still be conflicts that need to be reconciled. Try to reach a result based on the standards and not based on the will. Commit yourself to reach a solution based on the principle, not pressure. Be open to reason, not to threats.

To sum up, in contrast to positional bargaining, principled negotiation methods of focusing on basic interests, mutually satisfying options, and fair standards typically results in a wise agreement. Also separating the people from the problem makes an amicable settlement possible. To learn more about these methods, you can read the book: Getting To Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury.

Repetitive Strain Injuries at Work, and How to avoid them

You are hard at work, tapping away on the keyboard, like a maestro playing one of his masterpieces. Suddenly you feel your hand hurting or tingling or going numb. You feel clumsy and may start dropping things.

These are symptoms of some of the Repetitive Strain Injuries or RSIs. RSI can happen in any job, in a factory, at home; just about any repetitive activity can result in a RSI.

Today, I will be focusing on what we all repeatedly do, and that is, working on a computer. In earlier days, it was the stenographers who were the most susceptible to carpal tunnel syndrome, back pain, tendonitis, etc. Now, it is anyone – a computer professional, a financial analyst, a sales representative; just about anyone and everyone is now using keyboards. I shall give you some tips on how to avoid some of these injuries.

First let us look at posture. A typical office chair now comes with several ergonomic features. You can raise the seat, change the angles, raise or lower the hand rests and so on. So it is important for us to understand what the best way to sit is. First, the back. As you can see here, there is a curve in the back of the chair. This is meant for lumbar support, or support for your lower backbone area. If you look at the shape of our backbones, they are not straight. They are bent like S. This area needs to be supported by the back. In case you are short, you can add a small pillow to enhance support. This is also something that you can keep in mind while working at home or watching TV.

In earlier days, ergonomists suggested an angle of 90 degrees between you upper body and the thighs, but now it has been revised to 100-110 degrees. At the knees the bend should be 90 degrees, and your feet should be flat on the floor. Your shoulders should be relaxed and not hunched.

Now let us look at the keyboard. The angle at the elbow should be 90 degrees. So that is where you would need to set the hand-rest and also the keyboard. While typing it is recommended not to rest on your wrists. There should not be any bend at the wrist. Also avoid keeping the keyboard slanted up, it is better to keep it tilted downward. The G and H keys should in line with your navel.

Placement of monitors is the next important thing. Your eyes should be in line with the top of the monitor. Or in other words, the center of the monitor should be at a downward angle from the line of your eyes. Keep the monitor slightly tilted to face you. This is to avoid straining your neck. Keep the neck relaxed and straight, and avoid craning forward.

The mouse should be kept close to the keyboard. Avoid using mouse as much as possible. Learning some of the keyboard shortcuts will help. I trained myself to use the mouse with my left hand to give my right hand an occasional break.

All these are possible for a desktop computer, but for a laptop, which is being used more and more, there are some adjustments that can be made. If you are watching a video or reading a document, keep the laptop raised so that your eye is in line with the top of the monitor. While typing keep it low so that your elbow is at 90 degrees, and keep the screen bent backwards so as to reduce the strain on your neck. The best approach is to have a separate keyboard if you are working for long.

Let us now look at couple of stretching exercises that we can do. One is a prayer exercise. Do these steps…

Another activity is shoulder crunch – where you do this…

Once in a while, slowly rotate your neck in both directions. Look at the left shoulder without turning your head. Hold for some time, Repeat on the right. Then close your eyes with the palm for a few moments.

Ergonomic workplace and some of these practices can help avoid RSI. There are many more things that we can do at work, at home, while driving and so on, to avoid RSI. Taking breaks during continuous activity is also important. Stretch once in a while. Stand up while talking on the phone. Go for a tea break. Peep across to your neighbor’s cubicle. Some movements of yoga and tai-chi are subtle enough not to raise the curiosity of your neighbors. There are even softwares like Workrave, that tracks your activity on the computer, and suggest breaks at proper intervals, as well as guides you to do some stretching exercises

I hope my demonstration has given you some useful information. RSI, being one of the major hazards, there are a lot of web sites, journals and videos on this subject.

July 26,2006 Mumbai

It was 3 am when the phone rang. “We somehow managed to reach home, but Mahesh is missing. We do not know where he is”. The worried voice of Mahesh's colleague woke me up.

Any other day, and I would not have been so worried. But that was the 26^th of July, 2005 - the day that heavy rains, and a high tide conspired to set up one of the worst floods in the City of Mumbai.

Any other person, and I would not have been so worried. But Mahesh, a family friend. He was from a small village about 1000 kms away, who came to Mumbai just couple of days back, with his father, to join his new work. The teeming metropolis of Mumbai was a whole new world for him, and above all, he did not know the local languages of Marathi or Hindi.

I was still in office that night. We were asked to sleep over in the office rather than risk the floods outside. It was water everywhere, and there was nothing I could do – only pray, “God, please keep him safe somewhere”.

In the morning, the water receded, revealing the destruction everywhere – uprooted trees, upturned cars, silted roads and dead animals. Hundreds of lives were lost that day. Communication networks were all down, or jammed. Mumbai was badly hurt.

Later in the evening, as things calmed down, I managed to reach my apartment. The next day, I heard a knock on my door, and it was Mahesh's father – he had boarded the train to return to his village, but the train was stranded in the water. I told him about Mahesh. He was shocked and wanted to go out and search. I managed to convince him that Mahesh would be safe somewhere, and might be waiting for the phones to ring again.

The next day, the phones started ringing. Still no calls from Mahesh. We went to his office. The admin and HR staff helped us by enquiring the employees, and sent mass emails. They also helped us to get the missing person report registered in the police station and to put the ads in the newspapers.

We took a hotel room near the office. Our days began with a search of the hospitals and morgues in that area, and then, we walked around, showing the photo and asking people whether they had seen Mahesh. Every moment, we sincerely hoped that we would run into him at the next corner.

Four days passed by, and it was clear that something wrong has happened to him. As for us now, we just needed him to be alive.

Many a time, we got false alarms. Several people reported seeing him at some spots. But no luck for us. Once, in the market, Mahesh's father shouted, “There he is!” and started running. I ran behind him. He soon realized that he was wrong, and he broke down in the middle of the road.

Those days taught me more about life than all my living years. We met all kinds of people; we had to bribe many, while many voluntarily helped us. A taxi driver did not take money from us. Several homeless people joined us in our search. My faith in humanity was tested and restored.

Seven days passed by. Hope was slipping away, and exhaustion was catching up. I was concerned for Mahesh's father. His health was fading. It was only his hope and prayers that kept him on. Even that too started to fade – So far, he hid the news from his wife back home, but he could not take it any longer and decided to return home. He said, “If I deserve this son, God would give him back”. I could not console him. I could only pray to god to listen to his prayers.

We went back to the hotel, and got our bags. As we were starting to check out, the phone rang. It was a call from a doctor in a hospital 30 kms away. He happened to see the ad and recognized Mahesh among his trauma patients. Mahesh's father's knees, that endured the long walks over that week, gave away, and he slumped to the floor, unconscious. I could not control my emotions and cried - “Thank You God!”.

PERCEIVING DIMENSIONS OF GOD

Imagine a world where you could do miracles - become invisible, walk across walls, change your shape, have x-ray vision and so on...

Let me take you on a journey to such a World, where you can be God-like, and do all these things. Are you ready? Ok... Let us go!

Oh wait! but before going, we need to do some Math. Let us quickly recollect our Geometry. A point has no dimensions, a line has single dimension of length, a rectangle has two dimensions length and breadth, a cube has three dimensions - length, breadth and height. We perceive space in three dimensions.

OK, lesson over, now let us go and play some miracles.

Let me introduce my friends from this new World - Mr. Square Flat and Mrs. Circle Flat. This is their home, and this table top is their World. As you can see they are Flatlanders, and their World is two dimensional. The words, above and below, up and down do not mean anything in their world. They can only move in the plane of Flatland.

How do you think they would be seeing each other? Any guesses? Right, they can only see each other as lines. If I tell Mr. Flat that his wife is beautiful, round and pink in colour, he would not understand. He sees her only as a line. And he cannot see any color. He married her because from wherever he looked at her, she was always of the same length. It is difficult to get another person of such inimitable proportions. And of course she had a sweet voice. As for Mrs. Flat, she would see Mr. Flat as a line that grows in length and then shrinks as she goes around him.

If I put my finger into the Flat land, what would they see? They would see the cross section line of my finger appear in their World out of nowhere. I put two fingers and they see two new people. I put my arm in, and they would see a handful of people entering their World and then Merging into a single big person. When I pull out my hand from the plane, they would see that I have disappeared. Obviously we could play the Vanishing act in their World.

The Flats cannot see beyond their walls, but we can see both inside and outside their walls. See, we have X-ray vision.

The Flats are talking to each other and I suddenly yank Mr. Flat out of his plane. For Mrs. Flat, it would appear as if Mr. Flat disappeared into thin air. Now I place Mr. Flat outside their home. He rings the bell, and Mrs Flat would have the shock of her life, seeing Mr. Flat materialize outside, as if he had gone through the walls.

We can have lot of fun, playing such mischief in the Flatland. But let us get back to our World and extrapolate the Flatlanders' plight with our own. Our physical perception is limited by 3 dimensions. What if there is a 4^th Spatial dimension? Would a person in 4^th dimension be able to play God with us, just as we did in the Flatland?

Now, what would you say, if I said there are 10 dimensions?! Can you imagine that? Modern physicists are working on the SuperString theory for the Universe, and their studies have shown that Universe has 26 dimensions, out of which at least 10 are of consequential importance. Can you imagine that? It is fascinating and at the same time too bewildering for our minds.

I hope that the demonstration of the 2 dimensional flatland has made you understand dimensions and how our perception defines our World for us. We feel proud of our progress, but at the same time we should also feel humbled by the Unknown.

Maybe the physicists, by unlocking the secrets of the multiple dimensions, would chance up on God, who may be playing with us from His or Her 10 dimensional World?

If you are interested, you could watch the movie “Flatland” or read the book written by Edwin Abbot. Another reference is Hyperspace by Michio Kaku.

Eternal Pearls of Wisdom

As children we have read and heard many ancient stories. There are stories in every tradition, every culture – be it Aesop's fables, Panchathantra stories or Zen stories. These stories convey morals in ways that can be remembered. Today I would like to share with you my observations on these ancient stories and their importance in our lives.

All of us may have heard of the story of the man, his son and the donkey. For the benefit of recollection, let me tell you the story.

A Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: "You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?"

So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: "See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides."

So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn't gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: "Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along."

Well, the Man didn't know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: "Aren't you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?"

The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey's feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.

They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.

"That will teach you," said an old man who had followed them:

"Please all, and you will please none.

I heard and read this story in primary school. At that time, it was amusing – the image of a man and son carrying the donkey on a pole is hilarious. However, at that age, the moral of the story was not easily digestible. Later, one of the teachers in my high school recited this story and spoke about its morals. That was when I started to understand the moral of the story. Now, as an adult, I fully appreciate the moral and its great importance in our lives.

There is another story of an old saint who was renowned for solving the problems of everyone who comes to meet him. An intelligent boy wanted to test this saint and so he went to meet him with a small bird in his hands.

He approached the saint with the bird hidden in his hands behind him and said – Oh renowned master, I am having a bird with me. You have answers for everything, so tell me if it is alive or dead.

If the saint says that it is alive, the boy would kill the bird, and if he says it is dead, the boy would let the bird fly away. Either way the boy would be able to prove to the world that this saint is a hoax.

The old saint looked at the boy and said – I will tell you just the same answer that I have been giving to everyone who comes to me with their problems. And that is “the solution to your problem is in your own hands”.

The story will help us to retain this profound wisdom in ways none of the big volumes of literature can do. For example, when I think of honesty, the story of the woodcutter who lost his axe in the river comes to mind, when I think of all the impossible ideas being thrown about in our meetings, the story of belling the cat comes to my mind.

We do get a chance to rediscover and get enlightened by these stories again in our lives – by reading them for our kids. But then, there is no age for these stories. You read them at any age, and you will find new meanings jumping out of these stories. And there are no better gifts than these to pass on to the new generations.

PS: I happened to watch the youtube video of Devdutt Pattanaik, the Chief Belief Officer, extolling the virtues of mythology and its relevance today. This reminded me of this speech and I decided to post it.

Farewell to Redmond Toastmasters

Farewell Speech - December 15, 2007 (Black Bear Restaurant, Bellevue, WA)

Good evening fellow toastmasters,

Today will be my last day of attending the club meetings. I will be moving back to India next week. I would like to take this opportunity to tell you all how much I am indebted to this club and to all of you.

I vividly remember the first day that I came to this club. The diversity of the members and the friendly atmosphere attracted me. I remember Paul calling me by name and that too enunciating my name properly! Then there were the speeches. They captivated my heart. I did not check out any other club. I knew I have come to the right one.

There have been many memorable speeches and instances. It would be an injustice if I select only a few of them. However, I would like to mention a few.

I remember trying to control my tears listening to John Stilz's speech on volunteering. Katherine inspired us by taking us through the Yellow brick road with Dorothy and her friends. Dennis tried to educate us on the Faults that were not his. Ferrin and Phil Jensen gave insight into their political views. Paul and Dale Hauer taught us how to be good toastmasters. John Spaith kept us grinning from ear to ear. Jeranice entertained us with her impromptu and vivid speeches. Stuti told many stories.

I can just go on and on... Every meeting had its own diversity and there are always something to carry back home – something inspirational, something to chew up on, or something to laugh on. One common aspect of every meeting is that it involves learning and fun.

I looked forward to attending every meeting, except of course, when I had to speak:) I still have butterflies in my stomach when I think of speaking. But once I complete the speech, it is a great relief – the day is made for me.

I treasure the autographs that you all gave in the form of feedback notes. Some of you took the extra effort to provide me elaborate feedback over and above the normal evaluation. Everyone was ready to give feedback and suggestions. And I felt free to approach anyone asking for help. A special thanks to all of you.

It feels great when seasoned speakers in the pack give you a pat on the back. I shall always cherish the memory of these instances. It means a lot for a novice like me. The concept of giving feedback and evaluations helped me appreciate their importance in daily life. I started putting more conscious effort into giving positive and constructive feedback at work and at home.

The roles of timer, grammarian and wizard of ahs also taught me lessons. One of the major lessons is the art of listening. I had noticed that sometimes, I used to be so involved in framing what I had to say, that I missed listening to what the other person was saying. I have become more conscious of this defect now.

I also started looking for good and creative uses of the language everywhere. One day while attending a meeting, I started taking the role of wizard of uhs, noting down the ums and uhs of each speaker. It was more interesting than the meeting itself. See, I even found a new way to enjoy the otherwise dull meetings through Toastmasters!

I was introduced to many writers, books and movies through Toastmasters, either while looking for speech material or while listening to speeches. I read at least 5 books this year after hearing about them in our meetings. The speeches also help you learn more about different cultures. We have a good diversity in this group. We got opportunities to learn about life in China, South America, India, Iran, South Africa and so on.

And then there is fun. Every meeting has its share of memorable fun. John Spaith had introduced us to Cicero, whose one hand was immobilized, struggling to hold his single piece robe from falling off, while giving a rabble rousing speech. He also introduced me to the concept of planting questions and answers in the audience to enhance the message. Leo's humor has also kept us rolling in laughter.

I found Toastmasters not only as a club for helping you perfect your speech, but also a great place for learning and practicing valuable lessons for life and career. I have recommended Toastmasters to all my colleagues and friends.

All in all, I had a great time with this club. I am indebted to each and every one of you for giving me this opportunity of a lifetime. Thank you for making me feel at home and encouraging me. You have encouraged me to commit myself to attaining my goals in Toastmasters. I will surely miss you all.