Chayakkada conversations - Talk Deeply, Be Happy

The Well Column in NY Times carried an article on "Talk Deeply, Be Happy". I am providing the excerpts below to give an idea of what it conveys:

Would you be happier if you spent more time discussing the state of the world and the meaning of life — and less time talking about the weather?

It may sound counterintuitive, but people who spend more of their day having deep discussions and less time engaging in small talk seem to be happier, said Matthias Mehl, a psychologist at the University of Arizona who published a study on the subject.

“We found this so interesting, because it could have gone the other way — it could have been, ‘Don’t worry, be happy’ — as long as you surf on the shallow level of life you’re happy, and if you go into the existential depths you’ll be unhappy,” Dr. Mehl said.

But, he proposed, substantive conversation seemed to hold the key to happiness for two main reasons: both because human beings are driven to find and create meaning in their lives, and because we are social animals who want and need to connect with other people.

“By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world,” Dr. Mehl said. “And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness.”

Dr. Mehl’s study was small and doesn’t prove a cause-and-effect relationship between the kind of conversations one has and one’s happiness. But that’s the planned next step, when he will ask people to increase the number of substantive conversations they have each day and cut back on small talk, and vice versa.

I am nostalgically reminded of the tea shops in Kerala - the chaya kada get-togethers in the mornings. Seems like that was a perfectly good way to start the day - discussing the good and bad in the World today, especially the rivetting stories from Kerala Politics. Sometimes my father used to stand outside the home, and slowly other neighbours would come out of their homes, and there would be a lengthy discussion of Politics and World Affairs right at my home - with tea and snacks arranged by Mom. I used to listen the animated discussions - which used to reveal which side each were on. But rest assured, there would be no fights. Everyone used to retire happily back to their homes, and probably had a good sleep, after having got a chance to have such deep talks.

Today, in this plugged-in World, I find it difficult to engage in a conversation in public. The youngsters are happy buried in the Harry Potters or their ipods, and even more recently, laptops during travels. Earlier train journeys used to end in a new friendship being made, or an extended relationship (father's distant uncle's grandfather's grand-son in law...) being identified. But now, unless you yourself have an ipod or laptop, it is better just to close eyes and meditate, as no one would want to have any talks with you.

In my last three years, I had a couple of exceptions to this rule. One was an animated fellow traveller from Tamil Nadu who was with me in the flight from Seattle to Mumbai. We met at a stop over in Amsterdam, and she started talking to me like a long known friend. I liked the frankness, and was surprised that there are still such people. I got introduced to her friends that she made during the journey from Seattle to Amsterdam, which seemed to include almost all the IT guys and gals from the flight! Wow! we had a big group of about 10 of us, all new friends, formed into this group by this girl. That was the best stop-over and journey for me. We discussed everything under the sun, in those 2-3 hours in the airport, and later at Mumbai, where a chunk of them were also catching the same Chennai flight with me. Of course, I could not catch a wink, but there was no tiredness.

Rarely, if ever, I find a travel fellow to chat with, it would be a middle-aged or older person, who would be looking for someone to patiently listen to their stories. Once I met an old jewellery merchant who happened to know my family history. A lot of my relatives are goldsmiths, and when heard a couple of names, he started telling me my family's history, from the days my ancestors came from Tamil Nadu! Of course, we were chatting all the way from Trivandrum to Tirunelveli.

On another occasion, my wife and I were troubled by a decision that we had to take. My family wanted her to stay back at my home for the festival, but my wife preferred otherwise. We were on our way to her family place in Tirunelveli. In the train, we met an brahmin aunt, who befriended us, and started talking about her family and stories about her children and in-laws. She also served us a history of how brahmin families were being made to suffer in many parts of Tamil Nadu. When she started talking about relationships, my wife asked her questions about the quandary that we were in, with the differences in opinion between herself and my family. The lady patiently listened to her, and gave her advice. She asked my wife to consider my parents as her parents. No amount of any sagely advice from me :) could have done this miracle - my wife returned after a week, and she started calling my parents as Amma and Appa! That entirely transformed my home. I have the number of that auntie, and will surely contact her one day to say how much I owe to her.

We should probably create a new device or program which will let people in the vicinity know that you are available for a conversation. While in the train, one could see who are all available and link up with them, rather than spending the whole day depressingly looking at what the world has come to be, by looking at the plugged-in fellow travellers.